Australian Penthouse

Australian Penthouse invites author and relationships counsellor Dr Charmaine Saunders to give us advice on open marriages…

Open marriage. It sounds rather wonderful, doesn’t it? We’d all like to think our marriages are ‘open’. After all, it’s in marriage that we’re supposed to achieve our highest levels of true intimacy, both in and out of the bedroom. Freedom is important in any long-term relationship as it allows people to emotionally breathe and be who they really are. When we apply it specifically to the sexual area, it means the two partners agree to take other lovers, see other people, and enjoy flexibility within the concept of monogamy. The degree to which the rules are relaxed depends on the couple involved.

Monogamy usually entails one-to-one fidelity, but those who choose to have an open marriage are not being unfaithful as such because it’s all out and agreed upon, without deceit or secrecy.

Would everybody enjoy it? Definitely not. Do those who engage in it love it? Generally, yes. Why do couples want it?
Are these people weird, alternative, sex addicts, eccentric? Actually, swingers, B&D practitioners and couples in open marriages are all ordinary, everyday people who just happen to like having sex with a bit of extra flavour.

So, what are the pitfalls?

It requires a very strong couple to truly make an open marriage work. When I say ‘strong’, I mean individually mature, sexually confident and emotionally secure. Not many of us can say we’re all of these all of the time. That’s why open marriage often fails, or can end an otherwise-healthy relationship. Perhaps it’s simply because it’s an ideal to imagine that we can interchange partners as we might our clothes and never experience doubt, jealousy or confusion.

Jealousy is the most common trap. When partners initially agree on open marriage, they might very well decide that there’ll be no hang-ups about sharing themselves with other people, but human nature being what it is, doubts and insecurities can creep in, even between the most secure couples. Issues such as sexual performance, body beauty, size of genitals and the levels of pleasure achieved can come under intense scrutiny and comparison.

Another possible hazard is emotions. How does one stop themselves from falling in love with a person outside the marriage—especially if there is continued sexual contact with one particular lover? The answer is that no-one can. There is an inherent risk in having regular sex outside of your marriage, and as long as it’s accepted, open arrangements can proceed with trust, loyalty and confidence. If inappropriate emotions intrude, it’s important that they are talked about honestly. So, how can couples engage in an open marriage positively?

GROUND RULES
As boring and obvious as it sounds, the best way to minimise damage is to set up clear ground rules. These must be agreed upon by both parties, or they simply will not work.

Factors that need clarification include: time allocation; what is and isn’t allowed in the outside sexual activity, e.g. some don’t allow mouth kissing; whether personal friends will be involved; agreement that the primary union will come first; what will happen if feelings develop for an outsider; the importance of communication and honesty; and whether the couple should discuss the outside relationship.

FANTASY
It’s very important to acknowledge fantasy in open-marriage arrangements.

Often it’s not the physical act of sex that’s the main attraction, but the excitement, variety and potential for experimentation. The problem with fantasy is that it’s addictive, and the need for it can take over a person’s mind and body, destroying relationships.

I always say that when we marry, we commit to one another, but we’re not dead; we will still find other people attractive and should never feel guilty about that. For most of us, we keep the fantasy in our minds, where it rightly belongs. For more experiential people, this isn’t enough; they need to live it out, and that’s where the potential for complication lies. Just recognising this will reduce the risk.

COMMUNICATION
This is the most sensitive area of all. If the lines of communication are not left wide-open, trust begins to erode.
When someone stops talking to us, we fill in the gaps ourselves with speculation and, often negative, assumptions. All relationships must foster positive communication, but doubly so those in which sex is not confined to the immediate partners. Any number of issues may arise, but if they’re addressed immediately and resolved, they need not become problems.

Apart from the apparent pleasures of an open marriage, there are actual benefits. The opportunity for variety and experimentation removes the need for illicit sexual relations outside of the marriage, which fosters honesty between partners. If people are satisfied individually, the marriage has a better chance for success in the long term. Ultimate trust is required, and it also encourages partners to communicate more openly.

If you are considering open marriage, be honest with yourself about your motives. If your agenda is simply to get a lot of sex with different partners, your relationship will have a very short shelf life. If you’re still keen to try it, remember this: in open marriage, the most open things must be hearts, minds and voices.

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