Australian Penthouse

It’s not great sex unless it’s sneaky, shameless or someone gets shot. Here’s our look at some of the best screen action

Unfaithful

NEVER mind what women get up to when they go to the ladies’ room together, it’s what happens when they go alone that’s a worry. Diane Lane is having a civilised luncheon with her married girlfriends when she excuses herself and gets jumped by her toy-boy MILF hunter. She’s beyond shame, so she props herself up over the top of the stall for better downforce (note that the more rickety the dunny stall, the more powerful you seem). It’s so hot even the toilet ejaculates. Unfaithful also includes a rapid doggie-style in the hallway of an apartment building—another great example for guys who like to impress with speed.

A Chinese Torture Chamber Story

BUGGER Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, this airborne sex scene is the best thing ever done with wires! At night in a forest, a woman has a dig at some bloke about his abilities as a lover. In two seconds flat, he’s stripped her and submitted her to his ‘invincible mouth’ in a standing position. He flips her and catches her by the ankles so she swings down and lands her mouth on his ‘invincible rod’. Smooth. The sextastic fighter mounts and each thrust is so strong it has laser-beam sound effects. Our hero calls out each new position, such as ‘wonder screw’ and ‘invincible wheel’, which is like chucking donuts in missionary position. For the climax, he blows with such force and volume that he blasts his partner into the treetops. His magic womb-wand then shoots sparks and starts a small bushfire. It’s natural to feel slightly inadequate at this point.

Mulholland Drive

THIS is how we always imagine a lesbian encounter should be—shy, virginal, sensual and, of course, guilty because they forgot to invite you. “You don’t have to sleep on the couch, this is a huge bed,” says Naomi Watts’ Betty to Laura Elena Harring’s Rita. A goodnight kiss turns into a tonguefest. Harring’s character has amnesia and conveniently “can’t remember” if she’s done this before. Ace excuse, but the way she works those breasts until Watts has nipples like AK-47 bullets gives us a clue. Happily, this scene opens the floodgates for more lesbotic coupling for Harring (Melissa George gets a taste, too), and Watts frigging herself to tears (but not orgasm)—it’s that guilt thing again. No doubt.

Payback

PAYBACK’S a bitch and, as so often happens in this kind of movie, that bitch is Joan Severance. An ex-con sets out for revenge against a former prison guard. Banging his sexy young wife through every item on the menu at the diner he owns is pretty sweet. It gets better when hubby, who’s now blind, walks in and they just keep on skinning the cucumber, even as he talks to them through the kitchen counter window. They probably put an extra shot of ‘hot cream’ in his coffee, too.

Shadowboxer

DON’T you hate that? You’re in your office, diligently on the job, and some client comes in screaming for money. Making matters worse, your two workmates fail to resolve the situation in a quiet and lyrical way, syncopated to the slapping of your pelvis against your girlfriend’s buttocks. It’s obvious the whole group is in need of an accelerated training module in conflict resolution. So Stephen Dorff grabs an impressively long-muzzled pistol (I keep one handy during sex, too—just in case), pulls out and shoots the client and one of his colleagues. “Haven’t I told you: No talking when I’m fucking!” he yells at the remaining workmate, then shoots him in the foot. Hell, we’ve all wanted to do that, especially when we’re on deadline and concentrating hard to squeeze both Simpson sisters into our fantasy. Anyone who’s lived in a share house can relate to this crowd-pleaser, too.

The Postman Always Rings Twice

THERE’S make-up sex, then there’s violent-fight-turns-into-lust sex, which is loads hotter. It’s about the point where Jessica Lange goes from strangling Jack Nicholson to shoving his head into her crotch that you realise she wants it bad. The seminal moment comes when she chucks the cakes she’s baked on the floor and rubs herself in white flour as she lays back on the kitchen benchtop. Jack, I think you’re in. But just when he’s checking the fish-and-finger pie, she shoves his hand away and does the steering herself. It’s a sizzling turn of violence to passion, victim to controller.

Honourable Mentions

Bitter Moon

AT BREAKFAST, Emmanuelle Seigner drinks straight from the milk bottle, gargles, then lets the white stuff overflow her mouth and spill down on her breasts. She’s just making sure you know what she wants to come next.

The End of the Affair

IT’S a rule that applies as much now as it did in World War II—when the bombs start falling, get rooting—ideally with Julianne Moore. The Earth will move.

Crank

PERHAPS the best excuse ever to make your girlfriend have sex with you in broad daylight on a crowded street—”Keep me alive!”

The Name of the Rose

A VERY young Christian Slater gets drained by the ideal woman—she takes control, she’s filthy, mute and knows her way around a monk’s cassock.

Ken Park

A TEEN chokes himself with a scarf and wanks as he watches Anna Kournikova play tennis on telly. Who hasn’t?

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