Work Of Art

Ace Ventura

Caught in the Act

Baby Got Black

Competing sex drives can be tough to manage; Dr Charmaine Saunders offers advice on how to get the most from your love life…

It’s important to have clear boundaries in this area because no-one should ever do anything in bed that he/she doesn’t want to. However, partners who love each other want to share and give pleasure, hence the conflict.

If one partner wants sex every night and the other only once a week, this will cause problems. The simplest solution is compromise; for example, make love two to three times a week to satisfy both parties.

This issue is not just about physical needs, but emotional needs as well. The unsatisfied partner begins to resent the other and feel rejected, while the unable-to-satisfy partner feels pressured and inadequate.

It can spiral out of control if left unattended. Another important tool which can make things better is open communication. If couples can speak about their needs bravely and honestly, they can work out positive techniques in a loving way. In silence, anger grows and festers.

Loss of libido can be caused by triggers such as work stress, fatigue, childbirth, business and unresolved family issues. However, there isn’t a problem unless you make it one.

Men and women have different levels of libido, and it’s a myth that men want sex more than women. It can work either way. You shouldn’t feel rejected if your partner doesn’t want as much sex as you because sex and love are not the same thing.

The worst thing you can do is pressure your partner, as it will turn them off even more. Compromise and communication are two of the most vital elements in a relationship’s success.

The 80-year-old founder of the ‘God Hates Fags’ movement and his followers picket gay-pride marches, funerals, detention centres, high schools and,well, basically everything.

They carry bright, multi-coloured signs bearing slogans such as ‘Thank God For September 11′ and ‘AIDS Cures Fags’. Recently, for various reasons, Phelps has aimed his hatred at Australia. Penthouse caught up with the gay-hatin’ crusader to find out what he and God have against the land Down Under.

Does God hate Australia?
Sure, that’s one of the worst fag countries there is in Western civilisation.

You were in favour of the 2009 Black Saturday bushfires…
Oh yeah, they got upset with me, that whole island. I told them it was Sodom in the Pacific, and they made arrangements with a local television station for me to go over there to tell them, “You’re going to hell, every last cockeyed one of you.”

Which country does God hate more, America or Australia?
Well, there are more Americans than there are Australians, but that would be the only reason for the difference. They’re both hell-bound, and they’re both mighty proud of it, wallowing around in their filth. No, the Lord does not love Australians. They kill their babies and they promote fagdom—two hateful sins.

Have you seen the video of The Chaser’s Charles Firth hitting on your son in a picket line?
I wasn’t at that picket, but that happens all the time. You know Brüno [Sacha Baron Cohen's gay character]? He did that, too. He hopped out of a van and was trying to grab one of the signs. He had been pretending he was on our side, but we read him from the time he hit town. He was so disappointed that he couldn’t entrap us in anything that he drove out when we were picketing an Easter parade from some of these heretic churches.

Why did your Westboro Baptist Church picket Heath Ledger’s funeral?
That’s another reason why the Australians were mad at us. But you got a guy playing a fag and encouraging young people all over the world to experiment with that filth. He needs to be preached to, and when he does everyone a favour and commits suicide, there needs to be someone to interpret that as a sign of the times of this evil world. He had no business doing that.

Did you ever see Brokeback Mountain?
Of course not.

How do you know how bad it is?
Everyone in the world’s talking about it. It’s all over the media, or it was.

You have also referred to ex-President George W. Bush as a “fag enabler”…
Of course he’s an enabler. Two weeks before September 11—and that which triggered, in our theological opinion, September 11—Bush appointed Mike Guest, this out-of-the-closet fag, to be the United States ambassador to Romania. With his butt buddy sitting in the US embassy in Bucharest, all of Europe looked upon this country as a big fag country and Christianity as a fag religion. The only thing worse than a fag is a fag enabler because they are not driven by that internal lust themselves, and therefore they are without excuse for promoting it.

In your mind, everyone seems to be either a ‘fag’ or ‘fag enabler’.
Yeah, they enable; that’s Romans 1:32: He knowing the judgment of God that they would commit such things are worthy of death, not only who does them—that’s the fags—but take pleasure in them that do them—that is they who promote it and love it.

Do you think the following famous Australians are ‘fags’ or ‘fag enablers’? Olivia Newton-John?
I don’t know her; she must have been in another age.

Mel Gibson?
He’s a fag enabler. He promotes it. You take that Hollywood milieu, the zeitgeist, and that is so corrupt that we go out and picket them on general principals. If anyone in Hollywood dared to say anything that was the least bit negative about fags, their career would be over.You remember [US Supreme Court candidate Robert] Bork? He has a book on the subject called Slouching Towards Gomorrah. And he says, “When evil people become the majority, what’s the good of a Democracy when you have evil laws and evil people?” And that’s where we are today. They used to fear the Lord in this country; now they hate the Lord and they hate his word, and whenwe preach it, they hate us.

Was Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter, a ‘fag’ or a ‘fag enabler’?
Was he in those movies?

What are “fag laws”?
I call them “fag laws”. They call them “hate speech laws”. They turned gospel preaching into a crime. Any country that does that is irreversibly damned.

So, in a way, Australia is even more evil than America because America’s First Amendment protects gospel preaching?
I’m not worried about this country as long as we have a First Amendment. You can’t turn innocent, peaceful gospel preaching into a crime because you don’t like the gospel message. They banned me from the United Kingdom. They’d rather have those Muslims declaring jihad against them than to have me over there, preaching to them.

Is the Crocodile Hunter in hell right now?
Probably. Look, he was in the entertainment industry. Enough said.

What do you say to the critics who accuse you of actually working on behalf of gays to show how absurd homophobia is?
I’ve heard that. That’s fine. Whatever they say, the Bible says it’s good. Once you say “Phelps” or “Westboro Baptist Church”, people automatically think “God hates fags”. That’s what we’ve established in this world. It wouldn’t matter what else we did.

You preach on the Internet about “fag faeces”. What’s that all about?
In the fourth chapter in Ezekiel, that was a technique that Ezekiel used to get attention. He said you are so filthy that you ought to have to eat faeces. And so it was required that the prophet put a cup of faeces in every loaf of bread he ate until he finally asked the Lord to get out of that by at least letting him use cow dung.

It says on your website that Obama is the Antichrist…
Well, there’s a strong argument that could be made for that. And it is being made by a whole lot more preachers than me. Did you ever read the Bible in your whole life?

Yes. I’ve read the entire Bible.
Well, you must have skimmed through some of it.

I don’t remember reading about Obama…
In Revelations 13, it describes him. The big mouth on him. That fits Obama to a T.

People say every new leader is the Antichrist. The Prime Minister of Australia could be the Antichrist, too…
Yeah, he probably is.

Is Obama a ‘fag’ or merely a ‘fag enabler’?
Well, I know he’s a murderer; he said if one of his daughters, who is 13 now, should make a mistake and get pregnant, he would kill the baby.

What do think about gay animals?
I don’t believe that, but what’s the relevancy anyway?

Well, if animals are gay, that tends to show that homosexuality is natural.
They say, “Are you a fag because you were born that way or because society made you that way?” It’s a matter of supreme irrelevancy how they got that way, to a Bible preacher. You got to stop it, and if you can’t control yourself any other way, castrate yourself. You hear me talking? I’m talking out of Matthew 19:12, where the Lord Jesus Christ said, “If you can’t behave, get a piece of rusty Kansas barbed wire and castrate yourself.”

I wasn’t aware that Jesus had made a reference to Kansas barbed wire…
Not quite like that, but he said, “There are some that make themselves eunuchs for the Kingdom of Heaven’s sake.”

Can gays repent?
No, they can’t repent because it’s an axiomatic matter of fact that you can’t repent something you’re proud of.

What if they are no longer proud of it?
You’re getting into discussions about Calvinism versus Arminianism—deep water, and you ought to just read the simple Bible verse in Jeremiah that says, “Were they ashamed when they committed such abominations? They were not at all ashamed, neither could they blush; therefore they shall fall with them that fall, and at the time I visit them.” In other words, they are going straight to hell.

Anything else you want to tell the people of Australia?
Yeah. It is not okay to be gay. It will destroy your life and damn your soul. And God hates fags.