Hidden in the Spanish countryside lies an undulating section of heaven on Earth designed for petrolheads….

I’ve been to my fair share of racetracks—from Germany’s fearsome Nürburgring to China’s enormous Shanghai Formula One circuit—but none compare with this. The Ascari Race Resort is like no place I’ve ever been. A private country club for lovers of fast cars, it certainly doesn’t look like any racetrack I’ve seen before.

In fact, it looks more like a Bond villain’s lair. Poking my head through the doorway at the bottom of the three-storey garage built into the side of a hill, I half-expect to see James Bond strapped to a table being tortured by Blofeld.
But, instead, it’s just cars—lots of them.

Looking around the state-of-the-art buildings, well-manicured lawns and beautiful paved courtyard it’s easy to forget that there’s one of the most amazing racetracks in the world as the main attraction. But that’s where this story begins, with one man’s dream to create the ultimate automotive playground.

“Basically, I would like to own a circuit I could play on every day, that’s how it started,” says Klaas Zwart, Ascari owner and millionaire oil tycoon who spends his free time racing Formula One cars. “Every day I get here, I still think it’s a fantastic place and I love it. It’s like walking into heaven when you get to the gates.”

What began as a simple race track quickly became something more. Zwart found suitable land in southern Spain, near the city of Rhonda, and began carving out his dream circuit. Borrowing corners from the world’s best tracks he tied them together to create a circuit equal to the best in the world. Zwart took inspiration from the world’s best, including Australia’s own Mount Panorama, Spa-Francorchamps in Belgium and the mother of all tracks, the Nürburgring Nordschleife.

The circuit measures 5.42 kilometres and features an even split of left- and right-hand corners to give car and driver a balanced workout. There is every type of corner imaginable, from not-quite-flat-out sweeping bends to tight, slow chicanes, plus banked corners, numerous elevation changes as well as three straights.
The track was designed to be split into three different configurations to allow three separate events to run simultaneously.

There is an even split of left- and right-hand corners to give car and driver a balanced workout, borrowing from the best circuits in the world

There are no grandstands or billboards because care was taken to ensure that the track blends into the landscape in a design that is as kind to the environment as a racetrack can be. Trees that blocked the path of the track layout were relocated and new trees planted around the facility.

The circuit even achieves the second-highest safety rating available from the FIA, international motor racing’s governing body, meaning anything up to GP2, F1’s feeder category, can officially race at Ascari. Despite building such a great track Zwart says he will never open the track to public races, but he doesn’t want to keep Ascari purely for himself, either.

So the savvy businessman created a sideline business to cater to equally rich petrolheads. Just like a private golf course, if you can afford the membership fees you can access the track and facilities to play at your leisure.

It doesn’t come cheap, though. An annual membership costs $26,000 and includes 15 days on the track and use of the facilities. Those chasing an extended experience can invest in an alternate option.

A premium-card holder is entitled to a 25-year membership, 50 track days, personalised race suit and helmet, access to private functions and discounts off racing cars. But (and it’s a big but) it costs $200,000 to join and $13,500 per year.

This ticket, as you can image, reserves access to primarily only the rich and famous, with MotoGP superstar Valentino Rossi, Jamiroquai frontman Jay Kay and Top Gear host Jeremy Clarkson among the lucky few. Naturally facilities around the track are designed to the highest standards to match the steep membership price.

Members include MotoGP superstar Valentino Rossi, Jamiroquai fontman Jay Kay and Top Gear host Jeremy Clarkson

Tucked in alongside the track are state-of-the-art pit boxes for teams to work on the cars and behind the circuit is a picture courtyard with a 200-year-old oak tree at its centre. On the other side of the courtyard is a three-storey car park built to accommodate more than 400 standard-sized cars. The car park also features a world-class workshop where race cars can be maintained to the highest standard.

Thrillingly, one level of the car park is devoted to Zwart’s personal collection of exotic machinery, which includes a 2004 Jaguar R5 F1 car, three examples of Ferrari’s 1995 F1 racer, one 1997 Benetton F1 racer and two 2001 Arrows three-seater F1 cars. And these cars aren’t stored here simply for show either, as Zwart and Ascari members often host their own private races at the track. Sounds just like the type of hobby James Bond would have…

As a guy with a bigger frame, I was able to somewhat mask my 110kg weight, but when it got to the point where I had to lean forward to see my dick while taking a piss, I knew no amount of weight masking was a substitute for the realisation that the gut had to be forced to withdraw.

The official name of the bacon diet is the ketogenic diet, which is a fancy phrase that expands to “avoid carbohydrates and stick to high-fat foods”. The diet also dissuades the intake of natural sugars, such as found in fruit, and starchy, below-ground vegetables. In this respect, it’s something of a high-maintenance diet.

My independent research and discussions with those who had attempted the ketogenic diet warned that I should anticipate certain side effects. Some people reported flu-like symptoms—headaches, runny noses and scratchy throats—in the first 24-48 hours while the body is purged of all remaining carbohydrates. I experienced these side effects in isolation, albeit not in the first 24 hours, as the recommended counteraction for these symptoms is to increase your water intake.

Water intake is likely the best backhanded benefit of the diet—particularly in the first two weeks—as my perpetual feeling of dehydration made me increase my water intake from three-to-four glasses a day to three-to-four litres. As a trickle-on effect, I also needed to urinate more frequently, but the presence of clear urine suggested that my body was adequately hydrated, despite an initial feeling of cottonmouth. The odd, asparagus-like odour of my urine, thankfully, cleared up after the first 48 hours. Ketosis was in full effect.

Granted, the first month of the diet was spent completely booze-free, which undoubtedly added to the impressive weight-loss results. Over the course of the rest of the alcohol-free first month, I dropped to 99kg. The general consensus around the Penthouse office was, “Damn, you’re still losing weight!” and that I had more energy than Charlie Sheen on a suitcase of blow.

When alcohol was thrown back into the mix during the second month of the diet, I drank the level of quantities befitting a writer, but avoided carb-heavy alcohol, such as beer. Straight, clear spirits such as vodka and gin are your best bet and, if you’re not too keen on straight alcohol, mix them with diet or light soft drinks—or soda or tonic water—which tend to have next-to-no carbs.

Throughout the second month of The Bacon Diet, I lost a further two kilograms. Considering this loss came with no exercise and involved more than a healthy intake of alcohol, I’m calling that a win. I found myself craving chocolate more than chips, beer or any number of carb-heavy food items, and found that cocoa-rich cooking chocolate was an acceptable substitute (in limited intake) to combat the cravings.

When I visited my GP at the end of the two months, she was surprised to hear that I had more energy—apparently low-carb diets can drain energy for some, but the opposite was true for me throughout the course of the experiment. In fact, as an added serendipitous effect, my blood pressure was actually lower than it had been in previous years.

Considering this diet was originally used to combat epileptic seizures and high-blood-pressure patients, this comes as little surprise. As far as weight-loss regimes go, it doesn’t get much better (or faster) than the ketogenic diet. But the most important thing is my gut is gone, and my dick is finally back in sight. I’m no GP, so I strongly advise you to consult with your doctor or a nutritionist before commencing any drastic change of diet.

Competing sex drives can be tough to manage; Dr Charmaine Saunders offers advice on how to get the most from your love life…

It’s important to have clear boundaries in this area because no-one should ever do anything in bed that he/she doesn’t want to. However, partners who love each other want to share and give pleasure, hence the conflict.

If one partner wants sex every night and the other only once a week, this will cause problems. The simplest solution is compromise; for example, make love two to three times a week to satisfy both parties.

This issue is not just about physical needs, but emotional needs as well. The unsatisfied partner begins to resent the other and feel rejected, while the unable-to-satisfy partner feels pressured and inadequate.

It can spiral out of control if left unattended. Another important tool which can make things better is open communication. If couples can speak about their needs bravely and honestly, they can work out positive techniques in a loving way. In silence, anger grows and festers.

Loss of libido can be caused by triggers such as work stress, fatigue, childbirth, business and unresolved family issues. However, there isn’t a problem unless you make it one.

Men and women have different levels of libido, and it’s a myth that men want sex more than women. It can work either way. You shouldn’t feel rejected if your partner doesn’t want as much sex as you because sex and love are not the same thing.

The worst thing you can do is pressure your partner, as it will turn them off even more. Compromise and communication are two of the most vital elements in a relationship’s success.

Unconcerned with being typecast, Goldie giggled her way through her feature film debut, playing a dancer in 1968′s The One and Only, Genuine, Original Family Band, and as a scatterbrain mistress in Cactus Flower (1969), which earned her both a Golden Globe and Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress.

With her career on the rise, Goldie starred opposite Peter Sellers in 1970 farce There’s a Girl in My Soup, holding her own against the comedy legend. She then showed she wasn’t just a fun babe with a rockin’ bod by impressing critics with her mature performance in drama Butterflies Are Free (1972), in which she portrays a young woman who helps her blind neighbour/lover deal with his past and controlling mother.

It was official: Goldie Hawn was versatile. Also in 1972, the beauty surprised fans yet again by teaming up with country music stars Dolly Parton and Buck Owens to record the album Goldie, which features covers of Parton’s ‘My Blue Tears’ and Joni Mitchell’s ‘Carey’.

Private Benjamin was also released in 1980, and proved to be the film that Goldie needed to launch her back onto the A-list. Hawn is fantastic as a snobby socialite turned army chick, and her entertaining performance earned her an Oscar nomination for Best Actress. Hawn also made her debut as an executive producer on Private Benjamin, and she has since produced an additional seven movies.

Then along came lucky bugger Kurt Russell. Even though the two had worked together previously on The One and Only, Genuine, Original Family Band, they fell in love on the set of 1984′s Swing Shift, and went on to star in the 1987 leadweight comedy, Overboard.

Proof that Goldie could still do scorching (now well into her 40s) came via 1990 action comedy Bird on a Wire, in a scene where a gust of wind lifts Hawn’s skirt to reveal brief briefs and a healthy amount of arse to an appreciative Mel Gibson, who quips: “When did you start wearing underwear?”

No digital trickery was required when Goldie played a woman with a perfect figure following an immortality treatment in 1992 comedy Death Becomes Her, before letting it all hang out as an ageing groupie in 2002′s The Banger Sisters. Passing the sexy on to daughter Kate Hudson. So much for the ‘dumb blonde’.

William Shatner’s James T. Kirk was, at heart, an ordinary guy who did extraordinary things—such as pleasuring multiple green-skinned Orion slave girls while karate-chopping knobby-headed Klingon warriors with his other hand.

Sure, he was the only Starfleet cadet to ever successfully conquer the impossible training scenario known as the Kobayashi Maru exercise, but he cheated, because that’s what smart-arsed everyday blokes with pot bellies and cheeky grins do.

Christopher Pine’s younger James T. Kirk was less an ordinary guy than a Gen Y gym rat and part-time model, who had just enough bad-boy street cred to make him attractive to the space ladies without barring him from Starfleet Academy on a character test.

Anywhere Shatner’s Kirk went, he arrived a few moments after the bright yellow curve of his tummy. Pine’s starship captain, on the other hand, was able to wear a skin-tight skivvy without irony or embarrassment.

His physique recalls the type of sculpted douchebags you find at www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com—where guys who spend too long with fake tan are so inordinately proud of their massively ripped abs that they give them absurd names such as ‘The Situation’.

I’m sure that, like all Hollywood stars, Christopher Pine is a lovely bloke. It’s just that, like most modern male actors, once he gets that shirt off, he looks like a bunch of coconuts and half bricks jammed into a tight rubber bag. When the hell did this happen? It used to be that when big-name Hollywood actors took off their shirts…well, mostly they didn’t. And if they did, they looked like normal guys—guys who’d taken some care to look after themselves, but still normal guys.

The only muscle definition with which they were familiar came out of a dictionary, and some of them were so close in their physical build to you and I that they looked less like a bag of shit than they did a bag of shit that had spent months on the couch inhaling pizzas and playing video games.

Gentlemen, I do not see this as a positive development. I don’t imagine for a second that many of us are going to develop immediate eating disorders or exercise addictions just because we’ve seen Brad Pitt get his gear off in Troy; that’s not how the male mind works.

I fear, however, it’s exactly how the female mind works. It cannot be a good thing for the ladies to be constantly disappointed by the gap between what our culture imagines to be a perfect, or even an average, male form and the saggy, hairy, kinda blotchy and lumpy reality. Not good for them, and most assuredly not good for us.

It’s not a two-way street, of course. Men have long divided the world into the hotties of their imagination, and actual women. Probably because of all the training we get in as teens with magazines such as this.

A psychology has evolved within the male gender to help us cope with this disconnect. The idea of the unattainable: Megan Fox, for example; smokin’ hot, but unobtainable. Sports Illustrated swimsuit models? Smokin’ hot, but unobtainable. Penthouse Pets…you get the idea.

But when have the females of the species ever considered anything as unobtainable? They see, they want, they get. Whether it be shoes, bags, naughty treats from the dessert tray, more damn shoes, extra closet space for the extra shoes, another bag, and a few more shoes.

A woman who can own more pairs of shoes than there are days to wear them between now and the combustion of the universe is not going to be put off by any man who tells her to forget about finding a set of rock-hard, washboard abs anywhere other than up on the big screen. She will see. She will want. And she will kick our fat arses until she gets. God help us all.

Needing to form a good, well-balanced squad, I went on the hunt for a young internet gun, and all roads led to a quietly spoken guy from Adelaide who was making more money than most CEOs playing poker online.

I found it odd that shy and retiring Jonathan Karamalikis was better known as “Monster Dong” on the web, but he was certainly making his mark.

Last year, Karamalikis joined a select group of Australian pros when he was sponsored by online gaming giant Full Tilt Poker, and he immediately repaid their faith in him by winning the PokerStars Asian Pacific Poker Tour (APPT) Grand Final in Sydney in December.

Not only did the victory catapult  Jonathan into the top echelon of Australian poker, it also saw him take home just under half a million dollars in prize money. I had a chat with the Dong at the recent Crown Aussie Millions tournament in Melbourne…

Okay, Jonathan, why “Monster Dong”?

Haha! It’s always the first question. Obviously, I had a lack of confidence when I invented the name. I made “Monster Dong” my online handle to make myself feel better about my adolescent issues, and to try and convince everyone that I actually have a big dong.

When did you start playing poker?

My mate taught me how to play when I was 16. That same night, I created an account at a play-money website and played endlessly. It took me about six months to learn the basics, and from there I’ve never looked back.

What are the most obvious differences between playing online and playing live tournament poker?

Being able to see who you’re playing against live is a huge advantage. I can usually work out what kind of people [my opponents] are in the first 20 minutes. Online, there’s a lot more re-raising and aggressive play. Live play is more focused on post-flop action.

Outside of poker, what else do you enjoy doing?

I spend most of my time hanging out with my mates, watching basketball and going to the gym, when I have the time to get into a routine. I also love travelling and seeing new places. I spend four to five months of the year on the road.

Where to next, Mr Dong?

I want to do Europe sometime this year, go play some tournaments on the EPT [European Poker Tour] circuit and perhaps visit London for World Series Europe. And obviously I’ll be going to Las Vegas for the World Series—that’s a “can’t miss”; however, I might just go for the Main Event this year because my mates and I never actually play poker when we’re there…

Do you see poker as a career option, or just a hobby?

I consider poker to be both a career and a hobby. I see it as a competitive sport because you’re always looking to improve. I’m more than happy to keep doing this for now.