Australian Penthouse

YELLOWBEARD (1983)
Director:  Mel Damski
Stars:  Graham Chapman, Peter Boyle, Peter Cook, John Cleese
Orion/Shock

Review:  Suzan Ryam

THE LOWDOWN

Yellowbeard (Chapman) is the ultimate pirate, a scurvy shyster who feasts on the hearts of his enemies and then forces them to eat their own lips; a crazed man feared by all who travel the high seas.

After 20 years of imprisonment for tax evasion, Yellowbeard escapes to reclaim his buried treasure, but is pursued relentlessly by the Royal Navy and numerous, dubious adversaries (Cleese, Cheech Marin, Tommy Chong, Marty Feldman, Spike Milligan).

However, fate intervenes when Yellowbeard visits a wench (Madeline Kahn) only to discover that, 18 years ago, she birthed him an illegitimate son, the fey Dan (Martin Hewitt), whose head she had tattooed with the map to the pirate’s long-lost  treasure.

Yellowbeard is forced to protect the bookish son he despises, avoid capture, and locate his buried treasure, discovering on the way the true bond of a father-son relationship.

NUTS AND BOLTS

Written by comedy legends Graham Chapman (The Life Of Brian) and Peter Cook (Bedazzled, Derek And Clive Get The Horn), Yellowbeard is a classic example of the kind of madcap comedy made famous by the Monty Python team, and is superbly augmented with the addition of American comedy masters such as Marty Feldman, Peter Boyle, Madeline Kahn, and Cheech and Chong.

Regularly cited by fans as the funniest genre movie ever made, Yellowbeard combines a masterful blend of wit, plot, cast and timing to create one of the most revered comedies of the modern era.

The movie remains buoyant via cleverly paced witticisms and superb turns by the peerless Peter Cook, as the inestimably clueless Lord Lambourn; Graham Chapman as the rape-happy, smoking-haired titular pirate; James Mason as the fumbling Captain Hughes (companion to Texta-moustached crew member ‘Mr Prostitute’); Cheech Marin as the sycophantic subject to spit-flinging Spanish King El Nebuloso (Tommy Chong), “Yes sir, your arseholiness!”; and John Cleese as Harvey ‘Blind’ Pew, the Queen’s visually-impaired, sharp-eared spy.

DVD EXTRAS

Extras consist of the original movie trailer: both disappointing and insulting considering the wealth of information and extras provided on the Monty Python movies and the fame and status of the cast.

VERDICT

Yellowbeard should see you crawl, crawl, stagger, stagger to your nearest DVD store for a dose of classic comedy.

PREDATOR (1987)
DIRECTOR: JOHN MCTIERNAN
STARS: ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, CARL WEATHERS, BILL DUKE, JESSE VENTURA
20TH CENTURY FOX

Review: Suzan Ryan

THE LOWDOWN

SCHWARZENEGGER is Dutch, the leader of a covert special ops team called in by the US Government to rescue a group of American cabinet ministers whose chopper went down in the South American jungle, on the wrong side of enemy lines. Prior to deployment, Dutch is met by former friend and colleague, Dillon (Weathers), who informs him that he will be joining the rescue mission (the handshake between the two is cinematic gold).

The squad locates the remains of a previous rescue effort by Delta Force, the soldiers’ bodies left hanging from the trees, skinned alive by unknown assailants. In the team’s efforts to track the remaining soldiers, they discover an enemy encampment that instead of being a holding point for the cabinet ministers is a military intelligence hideout filled with info the CIA secretly tasked Dillon to recover.

Sole survivor of the camp is Anna (Elpidia Carillo), taken hostage by Arnie and his men and subsequently tracked through the jungle by the titular predator, an otherworld killer who tests the limits of Dutch’s muscles (and ingenuity) while picking off his elite team.

NUTS AND BOLTS

Hot on the heels of Commando, two Conan movies, Raw Deal, Red Sonja and The Terminator, Predator is Arnold’s cinematic tipping point to massive international success. Following Predator came The Running Man, Red Heat, and the seamless segue from brawny action killer to brawny emotive softie, with Twins.

Not only does Predator provide the cinematic lynchpin for Arnie’s success, but it’s also a kick-arse movie in its own right. Written on-the-fly by Shane Black (Predator’s Hawkins, and the screenwriter of Lethal Weapon 1&2), Predator is a pop culture orgasm of classic one-liners, a memorable and unique monster, and all-round action hero excellence.

DVD EXTRAS

Surprisingly, the standard DVD edition continues to provide superior fan features than the latest Blu-ray incarnation: shame. The standard DVD featurettes that reveals the behind-the-scenes competitiveness between Weathers—and specifically Ventura and Schwarzenegger, over the size of their biceps—is side-splittingly funny. The wry commentary from screenwriter, Shane Black (who spent most of his time on set writing The Last Boy Scout) and director, McTiernan, is also a highlight.

VERDICT

With a total body count of 64, this movie, to quote Blain (Jesse Ventura), “will make you into a goddamned sexual Tyrannosaurus—just like me”. Unbeatable action escapism.

Can’t get enough Predator?

1. Live your life like an action hero:  Predator Life Lessons, or

2. Watch Arnold and Jesse Ventura headfuck each other over their biceps: