Australian Penthouse

As a guy with a bigger frame, I was able to somewhat mask my 110kg weight, but when it got to the point where I had to lean forward to see my dick while taking a piss, I knew no amount of weight masking was a substitute for the realisation that the gut had to be forced to withdraw.

The official name of the bacon diet is the ketogenic diet, which is a fancy phrase that expands to “avoid carbohydrates and stick to high-fat foods”. The diet also dissuades the intake of natural sugars, such as found in fruit, and starchy, below-ground vegetables. In this respect, it’s something of a high-maintenance diet.

My independent research and discussions with those who had attempted the ketogenic diet warned that I should anticipate certain side effects. Some people reported flu-like symptoms—headaches, runny noses and scratchy throats—in the first 24-48 hours while the body is purged of all remaining carbohydrates. I experienced these side effects in isolation, albeit not in the first 24 hours, as the recommended counteraction for these symptoms is to increase your water intake.

Water intake is likely the best backhanded benefit of the diet—particularly in the first two weeks—as my perpetual feeling of dehydration made me increase my water intake from three-to-four glasses a day to three-to-four litres. As a trickle-on effect, I also needed to urinate more frequently, but the presence of clear urine suggested that my body was adequately hydrated, despite an initial feeling of cottonmouth. The odd, asparagus-like odour of my urine, thankfully, cleared up after the first 48 hours. Ketosis was in full effect.

Granted, the first month of the diet was spent completely booze-free, which undoubtedly added to the impressive weight-loss results. Over the course of the rest of the alcohol-free first month, I dropped to 99kg. The general consensus around the Penthouse office was, “Damn, you’re still losing weight!” and that I had more energy than Charlie Sheen on a suitcase of blow.

When alcohol was thrown back into the mix during the second month of the diet, I drank the level of quantities befitting a writer, but avoided carb-heavy alcohol, such as beer. Straight, clear spirits such as vodka and gin are your best bet and, if you’re not too keen on straight alcohol, mix them with diet or light soft drinks—or soda or tonic water—which tend to have next-to-no carbs.

Throughout the second month of The Bacon Diet, I lost a further two kilograms. Considering this loss came with no exercise and involved more than a healthy intake of alcohol, I’m calling that a win. I found myself craving chocolate more than chips, beer or any number of carb-heavy food items, and found that cocoa-rich cooking chocolate was an acceptable substitute (in limited intake) to combat the cravings.

When I visited my GP at the end of the two months, she was surprised to hear that I had more energy—apparently low-carb diets can drain energy for some, but the opposite was true for me throughout the course of the experiment. In fact, as an added serendipitous effect, my blood pressure was actually lower than it had been in previous years.

Considering this diet was originally used to combat epileptic seizures and high-blood-pressure patients, this comes as little surprise. As far as weight-loss regimes go, it doesn’t get much better (or faster) than the ketogenic diet. But the most important thing is my gut is gone, and my dick is finally back in sight. I’m no GP, so I strongly advise you to consult with your doctor or a nutritionist before commencing any drastic change of diet.

Competing sex drives can be tough to manage; Dr Charmaine Saunders offers advice on how to get the most from your love life…

It’s important to have clear boundaries in this area because no-one should ever do anything in bed that he/she doesn’t want to. However, partners who love each other want to share and give pleasure, hence the conflict.

If one partner wants sex every night and the other only once a week, this will cause problems. The simplest solution is compromise; for example, make love two to three times a week to satisfy both parties.

This issue is not just about physical needs, but emotional needs as well. The unsatisfied partner begins to resent the other and feel rejected, while the unable-to-satisfy partner feels pressured and inadequate.

It can spiral out of control if left unattended. Another important tool which can make things better is open communication. If couples can speak about their needs bravely and honestly, they can work out positive techniques in a loving way. In silence, anger grows and festers.

Loss of libido can be caused by triggers such as work stress, fatigue, childbirth, business and unresolved family issues. However, there isn’t a problem unless you make it one.

Men and women have different levels of libido, and it’s a myth that men want sex more than women. It can work either way. You shouldn’t feel rejected if your partner doesn’t want as much sex as you because sex and love are not the same thing.

The worst thing you can do is pressure your partner, as it will turn them off even more. Compromise and communication are two of the most vital elements in a relationship’s success.

Needing to form a good, well-balanced squad, I went on the hunt for a young internet gun, and all roads led to a quietly spoken guy from Adelaide who was making more money than most CEOs playing poker online.

I found it odd that shy and retiring Jonathan Karamalikis was better known as “Monster Dong” on the web, but he was certainly making his mark.

Last year, Karamalikis joined a select group of Australian pros when he was sponsored by online gaming giant Full Tilt Poker, and he immediately repaid their faith in him by winning the PokerStars Asian Pacific Poker Tour (APPT) Grand Final in Sydney in December.

Not only did the victory catapult  Jonathan into the top echelon of Australian poker, it also saw him take home just under half a million dollars in prize money. I had a chat with the Dong at the recent Crown Aussie Millions tournament in Melbourne…

Okay, Jonathan, why “Monster Dong”?

Haha! It’s always the first question. Obviously, I had a lack of confidence when I invented the name. I made “Monster Dong” my online handle to make myself feel better about my adolescent issues, and to try and convince everyone that I actually have a big dong.

When did you start playing poker?

My mate taught me how to play when I was 16. That same night, I created an account at a play-money website and played endlessly. It took me about six months to learn the basics, and from there I’ve never looked back.

What are the most obvious differences between playing online and playing live tournament poker?

Being able to see who you’re playing against live is a huge advantage. I can usually work out what kind of people [my opponents] are in the first 20 minutes. Online, there’s a lot more re-raising and aggressive play. Live play is more focused on post-flop action.

Outside of poker, what else do you enjoy doing?

I spend most of my time hanging out with my mates, watching basketball and going to the gym, when I have the time to get into a routine. I also love travelling and seeing new places. I spend four to five months of the year on the road.

Where to next, Mr Dong?

I want to do Europe sometime this year, go play some tournaments on the EPT [European Poker Tour] circuit and perhaps visit London for World Series Europe. And obviously I’ll be going to Las Vegas for the World Series—that’s a “can’t miss”; however, I might just go for the Main Event this year because my mates and I never actually play poker when we’re there…

Do you see poker as a career option, or just a hobby?

I consider poker to be both a career and a hobby. I see it as a competitive sport because you’re always looking to improve. I’m more than happy to keep doing this for now.