Australian Penthouse

Image Credit: Edward Olive

By Ben Reuben

Dessert has come and gone, the bill has been paid and yet it feels like there is so much more to take place. Nothing signals that a date is going well like a change of location. I don’t mean “back to my place for coffee” so keep the dog in his kennel for now. Rather, this functions more as a pretext for extending the evening. If she hasn’t used the phrase “early start tomorrow” or “it’s been a long day”, take a gamble and suggest a cocktail at a laidback bar, a walk somewhere picturesque or swinging by a club. Do not under any circumstances use the word “boogie”.

Don’t be surprised if she jumps at the last of these alternatives. If you’ve ever heard a woman planning a girls’ night out, you’ll realise that the last of these – and the dancing it implies – holds a special place in the female heart.

If you’re going to go there, go there. Heading to a club then yelling over the groove that you “don’t dance” is going to brand you as a man with macho pretensions, little confidence and even less rhythm. Three more unattractive qualities in a potential lover you could not ask for. She’s also heard all those “I twisted my ankle ice-climbing” excuses a million times

As crap as you think you are, you’ve got to take her hand and lead into the bobbing throng. Why? Because more romances have been sparked on the dancefloor than over the dinner table. It’s time – to paraphrase Olivia Newton John – to let your body talk, body talk.

Although it’s one of life’s more joyous experiences, shaking your moneymaker on the dancefloor can be an intimidating prospect. Not least for the fact that we’ve all cringed when that WannaBeyonce at every function busts moves that have parents shielding their children’s eyes and grown-ups snickering into their drinks.

It is, however, possible to pass this test – believe me your hip action and tempo won’t go unnoticed – with a few simple basics.

Image Credit: Bodhisoma

To begin with, smile. Even if you are not, you need to appear as if you are having a good time. A brow furrowed in concentration will undermine anything you do from the shoulders down. Then, relax your hands and knees and listen for the beat.

Still having trouble? Then pick it up from those around you and bounce gently in time with them. Once you’ve got the rhythm, change the pressure from one foot to the other. This shuffle can work as a foundation for looking good on the dance floor – you don’t even have to step if you don’t want to. It’s more about how you do it than what you do. The harder you try, the less you enjoy yourself and the less you enjoy yourself the less confident you feel.

Even if you know the words to the song and even if this knowledge is one of your few sources of self-assurance on the dance floor, do not sing along or even mouth them. Why? Because although you may think nothing of it, chances are a date who’s just getting to know you might well be put off by repeatedly being asked, “Now that we’ve found love what are we going to do with it?”

Once you’ve mastered the ability to find a beat and shift your weight in time, the next level beckons. This does not mean blowing the cobwebs off your breakdance moves, so put the pop and locks, backspins and worms on ice or she’ll be feigning a migraine before the next track. Better yet, euthenase these dinosaurs for the sake of all humanity.

Instead, add some torso movements to counter that “Botoxed from the hips up” look sported by many a self-conscious bloke. You don’t have to dance BIG. Subtle nods of your head, small shoulder raises and a gentle twisting of the hips on slightly bent knees looks more sophisticated than jumping around flailing your arms. Keep your movements contained.

Let’s face it, dancing is sexy. It’s the vertical expression of a horizontal desire. Back in the day, however, when the foxtrot, waltz and even the cheek to cheek shuffle ruled nightclubs, touching was part of the deal. And what a deal it was. Her hand was in yours, her head was nestled into your shoulder, one of your arms was around her waist… It was a recipe for whispered seduction.

Photo Credit: Jasperwiet

Now, however, the hands-free choreography that characterises the modern club makes it difficult to see who is with who. As many a guy who has asked an attractive lass for a dance, only to be scowled at by a tattooed stranger 10 feet away, has discovered.

In many cases, touching is a bit of a taboo and your date may be pretty offended if you step in for a bit of bump and grind. Although your every hormone may impel you to reach out and make “incidental” contact, don’t.

Let her take charge of that department. Dancing – like so many other areas of seduction – is as much about anticipation as it is about capitulation. If you’re getting positive signals such as extended eye contact and mischievous smiles, step a little closer. If she doesn’t move backwards or perhaps mirrors your action, make another small advance until you can smell her perfume. Remember, you should still not be initiating any flesh meeting flesh business. Nor should you alter your action to anything close to a hip thrust. Instead, simply attempt to get as close as possible without touching.

The idea is to not invade any of her boundaries while building a sense of expectation in a non-sleazy way. You both know what’s going on, but try to accelerate the process beyond the speed at which she’s comfortable and you’re history.

If there is touching to be done, let her initiate it. It may be as simple as brushing against you with a frequency across that goes beyond the accidental – I’m talking more than five – or putting her hands on your shoulders to yell something into your ear. Whatever it is, keep your hands to yourself for now. There will be plenty of time to use them later.

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