Australian Penthouse

The 80-year-old founder of the ‘God Hates Fags’ movement and his followers picket gay-pride marches, funerals, detention centres, high schools and,well, basically everything.

They carry bright, multi-coloured signs bearing slogans such as ‘Thank God For September 11′ and ‘AIDS Cures Fags’. Recently, for various reasons, Phelps has aimed his hatred at Australia. Penthouse caught up with the gay-hatin’ crusader to find out what he and God have against the land Down Under.

Does God hate Australia?
Sure, that’s one of the worst fag countries there is in Western civilisation.

You were in favour of the 2009 Black Saturday bushfires…
Oh yeah, they got upset with me, that whole island. I told them it was Sodom in the Pacific, and they made arrangements with a local television station for me to go over there to tell them, “You’re going to hell, every last cockeyed one of you.”

Which country does God hate more, America or Australia?
Well, there are more Americans than there are Australians, but that would be the only reason for the difference. They’re both hell-bound, and they’re both mighty proud of it, wallowing around in their filth. No, the Lord does not love Australians. They kill their babies and they promote fagdom—two hateful sins.

Have you seen the video of The Chaser’s Charles Firth hitting on your son in a picket line?
I wasn’t at that picket, but that happens all the time. You know Brüno [Sacha Baron Cohen's gay character]? He did that, too. He hopped out of a van and was trying to grab one of the signs. He had been pretending he was on our side, but we read him from the time he hit town. He was so disappointed that he couldn’t entrap us in anything that he drove out when we were picketing an Easter parade from some of these heretic churches.

Why did your Westboro Baptist Church picket Heath Ledger’s funeral?
That’s another reason why the Australians were mad at us. But you got a guy playing a fag and encouraging young people all over the world to experiment with that filth. He needs to be preached to, and when he does everyone a favour and commits suicide, there needs to be someone to interpret that as a sign of the times of this evil world. He had no business doing that.

Did you ever see Brokeback Mountain?
Of course not.

How do you know how bad it is?
Everyone in the world’s talking about it. It’s all over the media, or it was.

You have also referred to ex-President George W. Bush as a “fag enabler”…
Of course he’s an enabler. Two weeks before September 11—and that which triggered, in our theological opinion, September 11—Bush appointed Mike Guest, this out-of-the-closet fag, to be the United States ambassador to Romania. With his butt buddy sitting in the US embassy in Bucharest, all of Europe looked upon this country as a big fag country and Christianity as a fag religion. The only thing worse than a fag is a fag enabler because they are not driven by that internal lust themselves, and therefore they are without excuse for promoting it.

In your mind, everyone seems to be either a ‘fag’ or ‘fag enabler’.
Yeah, they enable; that’s Romans 1:32: He knowing the judgment of God that they would commit such things are worthy of death, not only who does them—that’s the fags—but take pleasure in them that do them—that is they who promote it and love it.

Do you think the following famous Australians are ‘fags’ or ‘fag enablers’? Olivia Newton-John?
I don’t know her; she must have been in another age.

Mel Gibson?
He’s a fag enabler. He promotes it. You take that Hollywood milieu, the zeitgeist, and that is so corrupt that we go out and picket them on general principals. If anyone in Hollywood dared to say anything that was the least bit negative about fags, their career would be over.You remember [US Supreme Court candidate Robert] Bork? He has a book on the subject called Slouching Towards Gomorrah. And he says, “When evil people become the majority, what’s the good of a Democracy when you have evil laws and evil people?” And that’s where we are today. They used to fear the Lord in this country; now they hate the Lord and they hate his word, and whenwe preach it, they hate us.

Was Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter, a ‘fag’ or a ‘fag enabler’?
Was he in those movies?

What are “fag laws”?
I call them “fag laws”. They call them “hate speech laws”. They turned gospel preaching into a crime. Any country that does that is irreversibly damned.

So, in a way, Australia is even more evil than America because America’s First Amendment protects gospel preaching?
I’m not worried about this country as long as we have a First Amendment. You can’t turn innocent, peaceful gospel preaching into a crime because you don’t like the gospel message. They banned me from the United Kingdom. They’d rather have those Muslims declaring jihad against them than to have me over there, preaching to them.

Is the Crocodile Hunter in hell right now?
Probably. Look, he was in the entertainment industry. Enough said.

What do you say to the critics who accuse you of actually working on behalf of gays to show how absurd homophobia is?
I’ve heard that. That’s fine. Whatever they say, the Bible says it’s good. Once you say “Phelps” or “Westboro Baptist Church”, people automatically think “God hates fags”. That’s what we’ve established in this world. It wouldn’t matter what else we did.

You preach on the Internet about “fag faeces”. What’s that all about?
In the fourth chapter in Ezekiel, that was a technique that Ezekiel used to get attention. He said you are so filthy that you ought to have to eat faeces. And so it was required that the prophet put a cup of faeces in every loaf of bread he ate until he finally asked the Lord to get out of that by at least letting him use cow dung.

It says on your website that Obama is the Antichrist…
Well, there’s a strong argument that could be made for that. And it is being made by a whole lot more preachers than me. Did you ever read the Bible in your whole life?

Yes. I’ve read the entire Bible.
Well, you must have skimmed through some of it.

I don’t remember reading about Obama…
In Revelations 13, it describes him. The big mouth on him. That fits Obama to a T.

People say every new leader is the Antichrist. The Prime Minister of Australia could be the Antichrist, too…
Yeah, he probably is.

Is Obama a ‘fag’ or merely a ‘fag enabler’?
Well, I know he’s a murderer; he said if one of his daughters, who is 13 now, should make a mistake and get pregnant, he would kill the baby.

What do think about gay animals?
I don’t believe that, but what’s the relevancy anyway?

Well, if animals are gay, that tends to show that homosexuality is natural.
They say, “Are you a fag because you were born that way or because society made you that way?” It’s a matter of supreme irrelevancy how they got that way, to a Bible preacher. You got to stop it, and if you can’t control yourself any other way, castrate yourself. You hear me talking? I’m talking out of Matthew 19:12, where the Lord Jesus Christ said, “If you can’t behave, get a piece of rusty Kansas barbed wire and castrate yourself.”

I wasn’t aware that Jesus had made a reference to Kansas barbed wire…
Not quite like that, but he said, “There are some that make themselves eunuchs for the Kingdom of Heaven’s sake.”

Can gays repent?
No, they can’t repent because it’s an axiomatic matter of fact that you can’t repent something you’re proud of.

What if they are no longer proud of it?
You’re getting into discussions about Calvinism versus Arminianism—deep water, and you ought to just read the simple Bible verse in Jeremiah that says, “Were they ashamed when they committed such abominations? They were not at all ashamed, neither could they blush; therefore they shall fall with them that fall, and at the time I visit them.” In other words, they are going straight to hell.

Anything else you want to tell the people of Australia?
Yeah. It is not okay to be gay. It will destroy your life and damn your soul. And God hates fags.

Can you sum up your book’s findings?
That a group of, well, they would probably call themselves ‘British Australians’, such as Robert Menzies, actively undermined the policy decisions of their own cabinet, ignored the advice of the head of the Australian Air Force, and pushed aside local aviation heroes like Sir Charles Kingsford Smith in an effort to ensure that Australian aviation, both militarily and in civil air transport, conformed to the interests of Britain.

What exactly were the consequences of their irresponsible actions?
The consequences were that in December 1941, when the Japanese entered WWII, there was not a single fighter aircraft in the whole of Australia, there were no radar sets to warn of the approach of enemy aircraft, there were no heavy bombers, and those combat squadrons that did exist only had half their trained personnel. So the fierce determination to build the Australian aviation industry in the image of London had very sharp consequences in early 1942.

What difference would it have made, having those defences?
Firstly, the Australian defence system would have known that Japanese reconnaissance flights took place over Sydney, Melbourne and Hobart two days after the fall of Singapore. The Japanese were able to mount reconnaissance flights over those key Australian cities without the Air Force even being aware of the fact. On February 19, 1942, Darwin was bombed unopposed by any Australian aircraft––more than 250 people died.

Would it have been practical to arm Australia to a reasonable extent in the time frame you’ve described?
Absolutely. Arguably the best military mind that Australia has ever had, a chap called Richard Williams––who was the head of the Australian Air Force in the 1920s and ’30s––had advanced plans for the construction of an Australian fighter aircraft in 1938. And it was that kind of rational, national-interest planning that Menzies and his colleagues pushed aside.

Did they have a stated reason for doing so?
One of Menzies’ colleagues in this was a chap called Stanley Melbourne Bruce, who was a conservative Prime Minister in the 1920s, and then went on to be the Australian High Commissioner in London. Bruce advised the government in 1937 that the Australian people had to be convinced that only Britain could defend them. What we see at this time is a competition between those like Menzies and Bruce, who had no belief in Australia, and those like Richard Williams and Charles Kingsford Smith, who had a positive vision for Australia.

But without the backing of Britain, Australia would have had a hard time standing up against almost anyone, wouldn’t it?
Australians have a sense of insecurity because it’s a big place and there’s few of us, in relative terms. But from a military and geopolitical point of view, those problems are much more profound for an aggressor against Australia. A successful invasion of this country would be a very difficult thing to mount because there are huge distances involved and we’re a long way from any kind of supply base that would support an invasion force. The Japanese did consider an invasion and discounted it precisely because of the reasons I’ve just indicated. But the Japanese certainly had very advanced plans to bomb the east coast of Australia and destroy the industrial infrastructure. Had that happened, we’d think back on 1942 in very different terms, and the only reason it didn’t happen was because of an accident of history that Australia had no control over, and that was the Battle of the Coral Sea.

Were the upper echelons of government really convinced that Singapore wouldn’t fall, as the population was?
No, not at all. The Australian military through the ’30s was telling the Australian Government that relying on Singapore was not a viable national defence strategy. Those propositions were put by a chap called John Lavarack, who was the chief of the general staff through the 1930s. He was kind of the Army equivalent of Richard Williams.

Did the Japanese know that Australia had no air defence?
Presumably they did because one of the things that I uncovered in the book is that the Japanese actually undertook reconnaissance of Australian air bases six months before the outbreak of the war. And in June 1941, the Australian Army recorded that a Japanese reconnaissance flight had taken place, but that there was nothing on hand to oppose it. When they bombed Darwin, the leader of the Japanese attack formation––who incidentally led the attack on Pearl Harbour—described the air defences as “contemptible”.

Why bomb Darwin? It was hardly an eastern seaboard industrial hub…
You’re right; Darwin was more of a tactical target for the Japanese. In February 1942, the Japanese had conquered what was then called the Netherlands East Indies––now Indonesia––and they were in the midst of invading Java, Sumatra and Borneo, for their oil reserves. Darwin was the last supply stop for the Allies fighting in Java and Timor, so the Japanese mounted that raid on February 19, 1942.

I understand that there was some warning of the impending attack, but that went unheeded as well…
Yes, that’s right. It was a bit like Pearl Harbour. An American fighter squadron was staging through Darwin to go to Timor, and it turned back because of bad weather. The Australian Air Force commanders thought the incoming Japanese might have been those American fighters, so the base wasn’t put on high alert.

You’ve said defence personnel based around Darwin were more concerned with their own welfare than that of the civilians they were there to protect. How so?
Without effective leadership, because few of the Australian commanders had been in action, and indeed the Air Force base was commanded by a reserve officer who had no combat experience, command and control broke down, rumours got around, and there was an exodus of service personnel into the interior because of the fear of Japanese invasion. If there were some failures among the rank and file, there were many more failures of command and, of course, the greatest failure was a political one, in that the Menzies Government of the late 1930s refused to take the advice of their military professionals.

Had the Battle of the Coral Sea not gone the way it did, what do you think would have happened to Australia?
The Japanese were committed to cutting the supply route between Australia and America through the invasion of New Caledonia, Fiji and Samoa––there were very advanced plans for the Japanese to do that in the middle of 1942. But for the Battle of the Coral Sea, we’d have had Japanese aircraft carriers off Sydney, Newcastle and Wollongong, and probably Melbourne, bombing industrial sites that were irreplaceable.

How come, 70 years on, the average Australian doesn’t know about this?
There are a couple of reasons. Immediately after Darwin, the Curtin Labor Government wasn’t keen to publicise Australia’s vulnerability, so there was a measure of censorship, and the Royal Commission reported in Canberra, so I suppose the worst defects were not released to the public. After the war, interest in the dark hours was probably less than it might have been, so there was little reflection until quite recently, with this re-emergence of debate over whether 1942 really constituted a defence crisis.

What sort of blokes were the sailors?
A lot of them were depression-era kids—some grew up in the slums of Sydney, and they’d have been lucky to get a bit of bread and dripping for dinner at night. Others were country kids.

But to suddenly grow up and see the world like that, and to come out of the depression and plunge into WW2, it was a huge thing. They were an amazing generation—they dealt with it all. They grew up strong and they stayed that way.

And their first big stop was New York City!
Oh, New York was an absolute eye-opener for them. They were stunned and amazed—skyscrapers and Coca Cola and women. I like the story of the two sailors who were at Madison Square Garden, at the old ballpark.

The locals invited one to have a hit out on the field. Someone pitched a baseball at him and he missed it and fell over. But the second pitch he knocked out of the park!

And so they just rolled out the red carpet for them and took them to nightclubs where they met movie stars and all of that stuff.

The Aussie boys done good!
Yeah, but the story I really like was when they were on their way back across the Pacific and they called in at Tahiti. It was more or less a four-day orgy! Half of the ship’s company was dancing or swimming naked in the water with these Tahitian girls and it was just an amazing scene. Of course, it got a bit rougher after that.

You need some fond memories when you’re floating in oily and fiery waters…
…When you’ve just been torpedoed, yes. There was a terribly sad story of one former crewman who was dying on the Burma-Siam railway and he said to his mate, “I’m gonna die tonight. Just come and sit with me and talk with me about the old times and about Tahiti and everything.”

It was terribly poignant. They saw life in a way I don’t think any other Australians have: from those incredible highs to the atrocities of the railway. They went from the A to the Z of human experience.

The ship survived several battles before it was finally sunk. Did its first hostile contact in the Mediterranean, with a dozen casualties, come as a shock?
They knew it was coming, but nothing can really prepare you for the first time you’re under attack. Particularly from the dive bombers of the Luftwaffe, which must have been terrifying. They were under attack day after day until, finally, a bomb hit them.

HMAS Perth was one of just three cruisers to survive the almighty Battle of the Java Sea… only to then stumble into the main Japanese invasion force in the Sunda Strait.

That was an absolute tragedy. But in hindsight, the Japanese were everywhere. The Perth blundered into that and was outnumbered, outgunned, out-everythinged.

They fought as best they could with what they had and ended up firing practice ammunition and star shells, which were utterly useless. But I guess it gave them something to do and a sense they were fighting back. It was a tragic battle. There was no other end to it than that the ship was going to be sunk.

So they knew they were doomed?
Well, it’s hard to say. If you were on the bridge or you were working one of the guns, then you could see the battle. But if you’re below decks, you don’t have a clue—you just hear the noise and the feel vibration of the ship.

Until the torpedo hits, that is, and then you know you’re stuffed. And when the second torpedo hits, you know you’re gone for all money. Some of them could see it straightaway, that they were doomed.

Others didn’t know for a while. There were blokes who would have been killed outright when the first torpedo hit, and others who were trapped inside the ship with no way of escaping—which would have been an appalling way to go.

In your estimation, what was the Perth’s finest hour?
That final battle. It was magnificent and she fought to the very last. The captain, Hector Waller, should have won the Victoria Cross.

But for some reason—which puzzles a lot of people—no-one in the Australian Navy has ever been awarded the VC. Until fairly recently, they had to be okayed by the British Admiralty in London.And they never once okayed the Victoria Cross for an Australian sailor.

Was Waller’s contribution to that final battle known to his men?
Oh, yeah. He was an inspirational leader, and they knew he’d done his best to get them out of it, to try to save them and the ship. To this day, they still hold him in enormous regard. They knew how the battle was fought—and how it ended.

Did you leave Australia for work?
Yeah, I was chosen by Playboy TV to travel to the USA and work on porn, so I did that. I’ve always wanted to be part of the adult industry. I started with adult modelling at 18, then went to dancing. Porn was always next, and that’s what I’ve been keeping myself busy with lately: making adult movies and adjusting to life over here.

Kiki Vidis featured in our March 2011 issue and she spoke of you. How did the two of you meet?
I met her through Playboy. They wanted another girl to continue on the American Adventure show to a second series. Her show was Kiki’s American Adventure and my show is Kelly’s American Adventure. We keep in touch; she’s a lovely girl.

What are you like when you’re filming scenes?
I’m pretty easygoing, but I’m also a crazy girl once the scene starts. I don’t like taking breaks. I keep going and going, and by the end of it if I’m exhausted, I know I performed well and gave my all.

What ranks as your favourite scene?
My first shoot was a girl-girl with Asa Akira, and during the scene Shyla Stylez walked in, as she was performing in a scene right after me. It was a surreal experience because I was a porn addict before I got into [the industry] and I had always loved watching her! We’ve since become really good friends.

The book has started a war of words among music aficionados across the country. Was that one of your aims?
We understood that when we started everyone was going to get upset; no-one was going to be completely happy. Even we’re still not completely happy. I get blamed for Beaches being in there. John Farnham’s Whispering Jack is there and I don’t particularly like it, but I understand that the record stands the test of time; so many people bought that record. I wanted The Avalanches’ Since I Left You to be included, and they [John and Toby] didn’t understand it.
So what makes a great Australian album?
Sometimes a record that we included refuted those qualities of having a distinctly Australian setting or pioneering a genre. But they had to be taking something further in a direction. So they might not be completely revolutionary. An artist like Powderfinger or The Saints, and coincidently they’re both from Brisbane, they built on the shoulders of other people and made their sound based on that.

How did you come to agreement on what would be number one?
We all agreed that Midnight Oil mattered. Diesel and Dust is a great example of where the country was at and where the band was at. We have a great connection to it. Toby and John were running Rolling Stone [magazine] singlehandedly at the time Diesel and Dust came out. They both had a feel for how straight-jacketed race re lations were in Australia at that time. You play it, and it takes you somewhere, to that point in time. You know how incredible the songs are, 20 years on. Diesel and Dust is a big record.

Was it important to represent a wide spectrum of artists?
Australia is very rock-oriented. We wanted to reflect that, but there’s always been an underground, there’s always been something that’s oriented to dance or electronic music, or soul bands. There aren’t just rock bands. At the same time, people have said there’s a lack of female solo artists [in the book]. But as I always ask them, “Can you name five we have missed?”, and they can’t. It seems to be that music narrowed in the 1970s and ’80s and you can’t rectify that. You have no quotas.

What excites you about the future of Australian music?
I think the most interesting records are the ones we don’t foresee. Looking at this book, I hope we do get a hip-hop artist that is as exciting and important as Nick Cave or who is as popular as Normie Rowe was. You just hope for another transcending pop artist, someone like Sarah Blasko, and for the next wave of pop to be more male-orientated. You know, there are a lot of solo artists out there, and I’d like to see more bands. I’d like to see a band be like the next Jet but with two females and two males.

What’s your favourite Australian record of all time?
Hi Fi Way by You Am I. It’s a great record. I think it was almost the only five-star review I wrote at the time.

May we ask your age?
Sure! I’m 26, but last year I met two young, good-looking guys while I was on holiday in Greece. They were very kind and well-behaved, so we walked together. When they asked my age, I knew I would feel better lying a little,as I noticed they were both younger than me. I told them I was 22. The one boy’s face lit up because he was about that age, and he kept asking me to be his girlfriend because he had a crush on me. I still feel bad because I lied.

What do you think about relationships and the adult industry?
I think the girls in the industry appreciate love more than anyone else. When we have partners, we really commit to nurturing and properly devoting ourselves to them.

Do you have an active off-screen sex life?
I have a very inactive off-screen sex life. It’s kind of sad for a porn actress with a big—and growing—sexual appetite, but I don’t want to give my body to everyone. Maybe I’m too selective, but in my private life I can’t have sex with someone just because I’m horny and want to feel a dick in my juicy pussy. I need to feel something with the other person.

Okay, let’s run through a few hard and fast questions: What do men want?
A good blowjob.

What is your sexiest bad habit?
Letting my pubic hair grow long.

Is there anything that you would never do on camera?
I will not do anything that will make me feel uncomfortable or shy when the movie hits the shelves. For example, pissing: I love to do it with a partner, but I never want my mum to be able to watch a bunch of guys pee on my head.

Tell us something we would never guess about you.
I’m into sewing—making and customising my own clothes.

Can you summarise yourself in two short sentences, Carla?
I’m a devil that can behave. I’m an angel that can get crazy.

What’s on the horizon for you?

I’m hoping to get my website up and running by the end of the year. And I’ll be in Australia next month for AdultEx [Melbourne, April 14-17], where I will be meeting and greeting!

Is there anything you want to add before we wrap it up?
I’m really happy to be in Australian Penthouse, and I hope your readers enjoy my interview. I look forward to meeting my fans down-under and showing them love. Also, live life for yourself and not for others. Enjoy everything you do and give it 100 per cent. Hard work always pays.

We understand your agency has outlasted many others. What do you think is the secret behind your success?
Basically, we have a really high calibre of applicants. They have so much compatibility with one another. I think our branding and marketing really attracts the right client. Also, we are very selective with who we take on. We don’t take just anybody and hope for the best, which I think is an approach that’s got other agencies into trouble in the past.

What do you do if there aren’t any potential matches?What do you do if there aren’t any potential matches?

We tell them we’ll touch base in a month or two. Everybody is at a different point in the dating game. Some people are in relationships, some are waiting for a date, some have just gone on a date. So people who were not available become available, and new people join the service who could end up being compatible. It’s constantly changing and evolving.

Has the service led to any marriages?
Yes, we’ve had several marriages. The first one was a couple who had only been dating for five months. And we actually had our first baby born last August. That’s pretty special. What kind of women sign on for the service? Our women are professional; some are business owners. We have a lot of very savvy entrepreneurs across a range of dynamic and vibrant industries. A lot of our women are looking for men who are truly their equal—someone who is confident, charismatic and good-humoured; a gentleman who has been raised with old-fashioned values. The women are financially secure, so they’re not looking for somebody to support them by any means. They’re fit, athletic, well-groomed, stylish and attractive. The women we represent get approached constantly by men who want to go out with them, but they are selective about who they want to be with, and that’s why they join.

As a visionary in art and design, Peter Travis is one of Australia’s best kept secrets. But on the 50th anniversary of its invention, the Speedo remains Peter’s most famous creation….